guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
