ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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