Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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