you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
