somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
