I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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