Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My vagina just recognized that song.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
