My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
