well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
