Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
