She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
