then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
