I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
