You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
