in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
