every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
