I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
