Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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