I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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