I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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