god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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