Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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