When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
is it fun? or sober?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
