His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
