Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
