the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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