I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
