Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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