dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
