Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
