Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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