Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
