its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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