Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.