The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
