my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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