dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
where does the pee come out of this thing
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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