I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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