I CAN MOONWALK!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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