Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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