How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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