i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
