I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize