totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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