why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
