dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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