you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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