Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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