someone get that fucking seahorse.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
