you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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