How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
