My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
