mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
