we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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