I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
