He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
