you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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